How Do I Get Rid of Bitterness?
How do I keep from feeling bitter?
I have had many women ask me this question, and not just in the counseling room.
One situation from years ago stands out in my mind, because it was asked by someone referring to a situation we were in together. I was also recognizing the tendrils of bitterness curling around my heart, trying to take root.
My response at the time was, “I don’t know, but I am going to do it.”
(I had no idea how I would do it, but I knew it was possible and that is what I clung to at first.)
Life really stinks sometimes. It is NOT fair.
People hurt us.
Often they don’t mean to hurt us. It can help to recognize when their hurt was unintentional, but it still hurts.
It’s not easy to quickly make amends and move on without bitterness.
Our brains naturally focus on the ways we were wronged in continuous attempts to protect us from being in that awful situation again.
I’ve mentioned before that when we go through something that hurts us, our brains connect that experience to a memory network.
Sensory information from that situation gets stored in ways that we are not always aware of and becomes part of a memory network connecting your most recent experience to similar information our brains have gathered over time.
Any time something similar triggers that particular memory network, the brain pops up and reacts, often using some kind of trauma response like fight/flight/freeze.
It's like your brain taunts you,
“See, I told you people are going to let you down.”
“See, I told you are not good enough.”
“See, I told you nobody likes you.”
We may react with bitterness that seems out of proportion to the situation because our brains are actually reacting to many situations. (This goes for other emotional reactions, too).
Sometimes we hang onto our bitterness because it makes us feel like we are doing something.
If we are taking some kind of action, we feel a little bit powerful. That righteous indignation, that venting and fuming about what so-and-so did can feel (temporarily) good.
Except hanging onto bitterness really just allows so-and-so to keep hurting us (and they probably don’t even know it). It also keeps the brain churning on that awful situation instead of focusing attention on something more helpful to think about.
Sometimes we feel bitter at God.
When we believe God controls all things, we have to wonder, why didn’t He work it out so this wouldn’t happen to me? To my loved one? To my dreams?
How do I get rid of bitterness?
This is heavy, heavy stuff.
I almost didn’t try to write a blog post about it, because this process really can’t be rushed. I can’t possibly take into consideration all the unique nuances people may have in mind as they read this.
That’s why my first tip is:
Don’t rush the process
Give yourself some time to work through this.
Deep hurt doesn’t just go away in the blink of an eye.
There are not 10 easy steps to feel better immediately.
Very often, grief has a part to play, and grief takes time. It has a way of popping up unexpectedly and it needs to be dealt with.
Be honest
We can fall into the trap of toxic positivity if we rush to declare we are not bitter, or we’ve forgiven, or we’re fine when we are not.
It is important to focus our minds in a positive direction, and as a Christian counselor I often lean on Philippians 4:8 as a way God provided to help us in our emotional struggles and suffering.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
Notice that the first thing on that list is “whatever is true.”
Focusing on the fact that you are not bitter (when you are) is not true.
It may be helpful to remind yourself things like, “I won’t always feel this way.” Or “It’s possible to move past this.”
However, if you jump straight to thoughts of “I’m fine, this is fine, I’m not bitter” you may be deceiving yourself. When we do this we tend to shut ourselves off from our feelings. Eventually, this practice usually doesn’t have a good outcome.
Express it.
Talk to the person who hurt you, if possible.
Talking to the source may help you gain clarity on the situation. They may be quick to apologize. They may have no idea how much they hurt you. It doesn’t always work this way though. It may not be safe to tell them. They could retaliate physically or in ways that hurt your credibility. They could twist your words and use them against you.
If you do decide to take this step, I recommend journaling what you will say first.
Talk it out with someone safe.
It can be very helpful to verbally process what you are going through, but again, this is not always possible. You may not even be able to express what happened to a close friend. You may (understandably) be afraid they might not understand. You may feel on some level that you need to protect the person who hurt you. If you are bitter towards someone that others revere, or towards God, it may feel shameful to say those words out loud to another person. I think this is why I work with this so much in the counseling room.
Write about it.
Journaling
Writing in a journal can be a safe way of expressing your feelings. It could be a letter you write to the person (that you never send) or you could use journaling as a space to dump out all your thoughts and feelings about the situation. If you think you are going to talk to the person about how they hurt you, journaling is a great way to try out what you want to say, what you definitely don’t want to say, and how you want to say it.
Lament
I often encourage women who are Christians to engage in the process of lament as a way of expressing their thoughts and feelings.
In the Psalms we find a model of what to do with our feelings of grief and injustice. Psalm 77 is a beautiful example of how we can pour out our emotions to God and still praise Him and trust Him to work His will in our lives.
To write a lament is to write a prayer to God with elements of honesty and trust.
Name what happened and your reaction to it.
We see that the first thing the Psalmist does is be honest about how he is feeling.
It’s okay (and very important!) to be honest with God. He knows our thoughts before we even think them (Psalm 139:4). You are not going to surprise or shock Him. Check out Psalm 44 for an example of a lament in which the Psalmist was brutally honest with God about the ways he perceived God to have let him down.
I tend to find that when I get good and honest about how I am feeling, sometimes I surprise myself! Slowing down to write out what happened and how it makes me feel helps me catch those automatic thoughts that pop up (you know, the ones attached to those memory networks). Writing all of this out helps us from deceiving ourselves.
Ask God for help.
This may feel frustrating, because maybe you’ve been doing this. But putting it into words can be a way of bearing witness to the fact that you are asking God for help.
Again, sometimes I can surprise myself with this step. As I am trying to put a prayer for help into words, I might realize a way that what I am asking is not actually in line with God’s will. When it is a wayward thought running around my head, I don’t realize it, but if I have to articulate it I might find I need to tweak what I am asking and humble myself if I want to line up with God’s will. Often I will ask for God to show me where I am wrong in the situation. It’s so easy to get caught up in blaming the other guy, but often I find that there were some things I could have handled differently.
Be honest in this step, but compare your request with Scripture to so you can pray for what God’s will is in the situation.
Express your trust in God
I know, this is a hard one when you are mad at God. You probably won’t feel very trusting.
It might be helpful to find Bible verses that express ways that God is trustworthy. Find something, anything, that you can decide to trust about God.
I love to consider Psalm 34:18,
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Or Romans 8:28,
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
Spend some time in your Bible, looking for verses that remind you who God is.
This is a crucial step, because when we take time to reflect on God’s character, it can help us gain proper perspective on our tiny corner of the universe.
You don’t have to go through the steps to lament in this exact order. Psalm 22 is all over the place, bouncing back and forth through the elements of lament. The important thing is to articulate your feelings about the situation, your acknowledgement of who God is despite the situation, and your prayer for help.
It’s all about clinging to God with honesty and trust in your time of need.
Whether you journal or write a lament, you are bearing witness to your grief, and this is an important step to moving forward in a healthy way.
Consider forgiveness.
Again, not easy.
This is so not easy that I can’t do it justice as part of a blog post. Maybe someday I will tackle it as it’s own post. Or more like a 4-post series. So many nuances, so many reasons not to rush the process, such care needs to be taken with this step.
For now, just consider it. Considering it doesn’t mean you have to do it immediately. Just start thinking about what might be involved with forgiveness.
I will say that forgiveness, when it is genuine, can be a powerful way to release yourself from the hurt.
It doesn’t mean that what happened was ok.
It also doesn’t mean that you have to reconcile with that person. You may need to keep your distance for your own safety.
Forgiveness means that you are making a choice to not stay stuck in the hurt of what happened.
This is a hard, hard topic. We go through things that are not easily forgiven. When those things rattle our trust in God, it feels even harder to move forward.
Let me encourage you that peace is possible.
Remember that hard thing I mentioned at the beginning of this post? I was mad at God. I didn’t understand what He was doing. I was mad at some people, too. But I knew it was possible to get through it without bitterness. And I did. Furthermore I have since gotten through a few more major things that could just have easily left me with bitterness.
It starts with knowing it’s possible.
Please reach out if you want someone to help you walk through it.
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling to those who want to integrate faith into their therapy.
